love

REAL MEN.  REAL FRIENDS / by Jorge E. Ponce

I’ve wondered lately what it takes to have “real” friends where I live.  Real ones are the ones who know you deeply and care about your wellbeing – not the ones who greet you with “how you’re doing without listening to your responses” or those who act like weathermen.

When I go to Miami, I get a chance to socialize with my sister’s Cuban American friends.  I did not know these people when I was growing up.  I met them just a couple of years ago.  And yet, I feel a camaraderie with them that speaks of authenticity. 

Could “real” friends be limited to a subset of people who share your nationality? In my case, those who are Cuban Americans? Or is the net cast much wider to include people of all nationalities, races, religion, and political affiliations who share common personality traits and values?

Jeffrey Marx addressed this question in his outstanding book “Season of Life” as he describes the exploits of former NFL football star for the Baltimore Colts and volunteer coach for the Gilman High School football team – Joe Ehrmann.  

After reading this book, I now expand my answer to this question based on my own life trajectory.

Joe attributes many of society’s problems to the misguided perception of what “real” boys, teenagers, and men are like.  Since Marx’s book was published in 2004, there have been a lot of societal changes.  With women joining the labor force in greater numbers and many receiving college degrees, the issues that Marx and Joe addressed now apply to women as well. 

Author and coach opine that the inability of males to find “real” friends has its origins in society’s paradigm of always been in a marathon.  If your aim is to win a race, singing Kumbaya with others is not in your arsenal.  Getting first prize becomes the ultimate goal!

Coach Joe said that the race starts in elementary school when our athletic skills are first tested, followed by our romantic quests in high school, and ending with wallet considerations as adults. 

Boys in elementary school who excel in sports are treated like royalty for their masculinity.  They can do no wrong, as everyone protects their backs.  Those lacking in athletic prowess are relegated to lesser humans – even if they are straight A’s students. 

Upon reaching puberty and getting their hormones activated during the high school years, teenagers who score the prettiest and sexiest girls get to wear the new crowns.  With inflated egos, teenage boys don’t care much about getting to know the girls whom they hang out with.  They think it’s a privilege that they grant these girls to go out with them.  This mindset turns the boys’ brains into dominating/power wielding machines.  

Finally, these men join the labor force.  Success is measured by job titles, cars, designer clothes, bank accounts, neighborhoods lived, and lived-in houses. 

When I was part of the federal workforce and took part in after-hour social events, the first rule of protocol when meeting someone new was to exchange business cards.  The job title printed on the business card determined most of the times how long the new acquaintance spent talking with you.  It was not unusual to have a follow-up question regarding what your salary was.  The answer to this question sealed the deal for the impromptu exchange.  If your salary was lower than the questioner, you would get a mere 2-minute conversation about insignificant matters.  If both shared the same salary, the conversation was extended to 5 minutes that might include political issues that impacted the bureaucracy.  But, if you had a higher salary, you were rewarded with a 30-minute conversation only if you were willing to discuss your game plan that led to your current salary and share high rollers who might be help them reach your same salary level or exceed it.  There is nothing wrong with the questions raised in the last sentence, if they were not limited to them.  But they were the majority of times. Curiosity about your hobbies, your family, or your happiness were not important.

With the above personality traits, there is no way that you could make “real” friends.  Others don’t get to see the real you.  They are only exposed to your façade, your mask.  This prevents others from opening to you – as they recognize that your priorities are totally misguided.  In other words, they might think: “why waste our time with such a narcissist?” They see you as someone who is me-oriented with no room for others’ feelings.  And this explains why at the end of their journey, the pets become their only friends.  Animals react well to command-and-control orders. Not to imply there is anything wrong with having pets, only that you need to expand your circle of friends.

So, what’s the secret to procuring “real” friends?

This concept is not limited to one’s nationality.  It has everything to do with people who know what really counts in life!

For one, men have to be willing to show their emotions.  When a situation moves you to tear up, do so.  When someone needs a helping hand, give it.  When a fatherless person seeks fatherly advice, offer it.  When going out of your way to fight for freedom, fight for it. 

It can’t always be about you.  It helps to get “real” friends to your orbit when they see that you fight for a cause that is bigger than yourself.  For example, regardless of my political orientation at any particular time in my life, I’ve always done my grain of sand to write letters to the editor to expose the oppression of the Cuban people by a communist dictatorship that has been in place for sixty-six years.  This oppression of Cubans has been the best kept secret for Americans who rely solely on the fake-news media outlets.

I don’t know any of these Cubans, but I fight for them because I believe that every individual is entitled to live a life that guarantees life, liberty, private property, and the pursuit of happiness. If they were to speak out against Cuban government officials, they would get unjust and long jail sentences.  I speak out for the voiceless from the land of freedom!

My Miami friends have become “real” friends because we are bonded by the fact that we faced political persecution when we lived in communist Cuba.  Our parents lost all their material possessions so that we could live in freedom.  My friends know that material things can be acquired and lost in a matter of seconds.  What counts for them is to know you for who you really are – your victories, your failures, your values, how you treat others who are less fortunate, what you do to make a better world for all.  They are not concerned with competing with you or outdoing your achievements.  They celebrate you for being their friends and for sharing the true, authentic You with them!

Ancient Greek Philosopher Aristotle recognized that “man is by nature a social animal.” But to live a rewarding and meaningful life, man needs the company of “real” friends. 

JUDGING THE MEANING OF LIFE / by Jorge E. Ponce

A recent event in my family made me ponder on what makes a virtuous life.  How the people who knew you will remember you after you are gone?  Reading Richard E. Simmons III’s book “The True Measure of a Man” provided some insightful ideas.

I came up with three attributes that will make someone into a virtuous person and be well- though-out by others.

The first attribute is to have a good “character.” The best way to summarize what this entails is the ability to do the right thing based on sound logic.  This comprises decisions that are made on moral grounds – as well as those made on sound judgment, like those on how to deal with teenage sons and daughters or which are the factors to keep in mind when considering career choices or career changes. 

The second attribute deals with making decisions that are based on “wisdom” or sound logic. In other words, seeing things and situations as they really are rather than as they appear to be.  Wisdom is measured not on the quantity of knowledge that we have accrued but rather on the quality of what we have garnered.

The third attribute is to have compassion and to have quality relationships.  It comprises the ability to love and be loved by others.  Some people make the mistake of leading their lives based on comparing and competing with friends and coworkers.  Doing the latter leads to lives of isolation where, at the end of the day, the only friends they have are their pets.  Real friends are those that you feel comfortable tearing down your defense mechanisms and exposing your fears, failures, disappointments, and views on controversial/political subjects without being concerned with their rejection of you. 

As we consider our legacy that we leave behind, Stephen Covey in his book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” suggests what it would be like if we attended our own funeral.

“As you take a seat and wait for the services to begin, you look at the program in your hand.  There are to be four speakers.  The first is from your family, immediate and also extended – children, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who have come from all over the country to attend.  The second speaker is one of your friends, someone who can give a sense of what you were as a person.  The third speaker is from your work or profession.  And the fourth is from your church or some community organization where you’ve been involved in service.

Now think deeply.  What would you like each of these speakers to say about you and your life? What kind of husband, wife, father or mother would you like their words to reflect? What kind of son or daughter or cousin? What kind of friend? What kind of working associate?

What character would you like them to have seen in you? What contributions, what achievements would you want them to remember? Look carefully at the people around you.  What difference would you lie to have made in their lives?”

The late American auto executive Lee Iacocca said “Here I am in the twilight years of my life, still wondering what it is all about … I can tell you this, fame and fortune are for the birds.”  Living a virtuous life has to do more with the difference that we made in the lives of others.